1. HOW TO KICK A THREE YEAR OLD...

So, I'm headed back to L.A. on a whim, a prayer and a dirty great business loan - and there have been some requests for a repeat blog...

I'm happy, it's not a chore - it kept me sane (barely) last time, so there is no reason why it shouldn't keep my feet firmly planted on the diamond encrusted ground this time...

For any of you that followed the blog last time - you will know there is a formula. I walk around clueless in the city of angels and get approached by various freaks and misfits of the film industry - it's what I do. It's my day to day penance for trying to get over here and get some work... it's my fault... happy to take the blame.

Why am I here? Simple - it's been a year since I last blogged and I felt it was about time to hit the skies and head back to L.A. This time there is no festival... well, there is - the Beverly Hills Film Festival is on, so it's good timing to turn up as a 'self appointed' VIP - yes, I invited myself and 'suggested' that a VIP pass would work nicely. Luckily for me, the guys at BHFF were good to their word. I'm actually here to whore myself as a writer and sell my soul... (cough)... scripts...

For the uninitiated, this won't mean anything - but for those returning to these pages - let's hope that walking the same streets and habituating the same cinema venues will produce some surprise visits from our old friends Douglas Dunning and Jay Von Chey?

I was a little worried that the trip would not start off eventfully as it was an early flight - I was right. Nothing to report at the crack of dawn, but of course, we are at the airport and we are about to head to the gate to board - SURELY there must be some fun ahead.

I get to the gate and grab a coffee - variously stare around and try to hunt down a freak or two, my keenly trained eye looking for anything with a twitch or speech impeppermint... but no - nothing.

Luckily for me, it's early but the queue for boarding is already a mile long. No one is warming up, stretching or gulping down gatorade in anticipation of the starters pistol. No - this lot are happy to line up for hours as if The Phantom Menace were about to have it's premiere screening. I join the end of the queue and decide that this time, I will not get irate at queue jumpers - I will merely observe...

The gate opens - and halfway to the entrance I get my prize - I find the greatest of all line jumpers. Pay no mind to the various 'pretenders' to the "line hopping crown" - they may mill around, eyes to the ceiling, hoping that no one dare shout at them for stepping in as if unaware they are breaking the cardinal rule... no - I have my queen... I have the holy grandmother of line jumpers - I have the bodicea of breaking in.

Even the great Bodicea had the decency to use bladed wheels to lop off her adversaries at the ankles... but this little old white haired wonder has a better weapon at her disposal... her three year old granddaughter.

I hold up the line as I watch in amazement at her ply to enter the line near the front section. Maybe she heard the announcement ten minutes ago that passengers with young children could go through? I'm sure she did - but then this is a bloodsport to her and there would be no pride in playing by the rules.

She stares at the heavens as she cajoles, whispers, bribes and prods the little girl to jump into the queue but to no avail. Even a three year old is too embarrassed to do this in public. Even a three year old knows it is wrong... maybe she has felt the brute force of granny shoehorning her into line at the local pharmacy for cough lozenges - but the little girl has had enough - she has put her foot down!!!

And then... granny puts the foot in - yes... she actually kicks the three year old into the line. No time for jelly tots and the promise of a pony with this one - just a sharp toe-punt to the backside as the little girl stumbles head first in to the line - separating the heaving bodies like the great tides of the sea.

Granny steps in like a menstrual moses - and... no one says a word. I look around to all and sundry for approval - did anyone see what I saw? Will they join me in a round of applause as we witness a modern miracle? The most effective line jump in our era and no one even bats an eyelid.

I decide to clap - and I am the one that gets glared at. Never mind - I have my first blog entry, and it was worth it.